Transcript | Ep. 155: How to Strap-On
Demetria: And I remember like putting it on, like putting the dildo in it and I remember it just swinging it back and forth with it in there. I don't know, it just gave me the confidence, and I felt like I felt like some guy in a gym that's looking at his like muscles and like, looking in the mirror. Like, Yeah, look at me.
[theme music]
Cristen: Caroline, as you know, today’s episode is inspired by one of my favorite listener requests Unladylike has ever received.
Caroline: Yeah, I mean I’m pretty sure you forwarded it to me with a message in all caps that said WE MUST DISCUSS, followed by a thousand exclamation points.
Cristen: lol, sounds about right. So backstory, listeners. We received an email from a professional dominatrix named Mae Ling who said she’s a huge fan of the pod – which first of all, totally flattered. Mae Ling wrote, “I noticed you haven’t spoken about strap-ons. I feel it’s … most complimentary to being unladylike with a dong strapped to your body and the confidence it brings.”
Caroline: I mean I can’t argue with that!
Mae: I have to say I have more dildos than I have purses. I have some that are crazy, fantastical beast looking dicks like a lizard shape and whatnot. I have some that are just a nice looking, smooth, kind of like a decorative dicks like you wouldn't know it’s a dick until like, Oh, wow, that's that's what you’ve used to put inside of people.
Cristen: Now Caroline, when Mae Ling first reached out to us about strap-ons, I immediately thought of pegging – which is when a cis woman has anal sex with a cis usually straight man with a strap-on. That was probably some of my own cis-hetero-ness showing, but I also blame the show Broad City because there is this iconic episode where Abbi finally gets a date with her hot neighbor and discovers he’s into pegging. Which is all fine well and good until (spoiler alert) Abbi ruins his dildo in the dishwasher.
Caroline: Meanwhile, queer folks have been accidentally ruining their dildos in the dishwasher forever! Lol. But seriously, for queer folks sex with strap-ons is nothing nothing new and it’s usally referred to as “strapping.” So it does make you wonder why the need for a whole different term like pegging?
Cristen: Our second guest, sex educator and former sex-shop employee Henri-June Pilote, has a hunch.
Henri: I really think that at its core, like pegging is just made as a way to like, make sure that straight cis men don't feel uncomfortable talking about anal sex. And like like, they come in sex shop and they say, I'm interested in pegging. So like when the sex shop worker hears that they can just be like, Oh, you're a straight man, you know, they know, we're sure.
Cristen: Then later, we’re diving deeping into the queer and body politics of strap-ons with Demetria Blooms, whom you heard at the top of the show. She’s gonna share how she found self-love and sexual healing through strapping
Caroline: It’s all to find out: what happens when unladies strap on.
[stinger]
Caroline: So before we get into Mae Ling’s story, let’s do a little strap-on 101. Now, strap-ons can involve a harness, which kinda looks like the same thing you'd wear if you were rock climbing or rappelling. Except it has an O-shaped ring over the crotch where the dildo attaches. Then, there are strap-ons that are basically underwear with a dildo already attached, so you just slip ‘em on and go.
Cristen: So simple! There are also dildos that attach to bands that you can wear around your thigh, your hand, really wherever, which can be especially helpful for folks with physical disabilities. Caroline: But when Mae Ling was introduced to the wide world of strap-ons, she didn’t know what she was in for.
Cristen: So Mae, tell us a story about the first time you used a strap on. What attracted you to it initially, how did it feel? Set the scene for us.
Mae: Well, I had no idea about strap ons at all and that they were even a thing until a play partner of mine said that this was a fantasy of his. And I was like, “uh, sure, if you get it for me, I'll do it.” You know, like, I'll keep an open mind. And so he gets it for me. He drops it off and then he leaves. And so like, I got acquainted with my dick. So it's like me alone in this apartment, and I'm like trying on the strap on seeing how it fits. And I basically do a dance around the house like as if I'm dancing with this dick, right? Floating around and letting it take the lead, as you will and it was just so beautiful because I literally danced around for like a solid hour. It was great. And later on, when he gets back. We have a great time. And it just like made me feel like I had been missing something in my life and now I had the opportunity to experience it and. Within 24 hours, I had fucked four people, and I was just like, Dang. This feels really good to be a slut in this way. You know, like there's different ways of being a slut, but in this way I was like, Oh. This feels much better.
Caroline: What do you mean, like what do you mean better?
Mae: It feels as if like “achievement unlocked” and like my perspective on like giving and receiving and interaction with sex itself was now opened for me, like another door had been opened for me of possibilities of what I could do.
Cristen: In your work as a dominatrix, kind of how do you how do you approach strap ons as a as a tool of your trade?
Mae: It's just another toy in the bag, really. It's just another extension of your hand or your body, just as a riding crop is an extension of your hand, or just like how a rope is an extension of your hand. Yeah, it's like how your body part can be used for worship, right? Like ass worship or foot worship. Now they're worshiping your cock.
Caroline: Could you describe your favorite gear, you know, what it looks like, how it feels?
Mae: Ooh.. yeah. So my favorite harness is a red leather harness. Very simple, like a little triangle in the front, and it just has the straps that go around the waist and the thighs really cinching up the butt. So that makes your butt look fantastic. And then the ring itself is interchangeable. So, you know, change it out with whatever one fits your size for that day or your mood, should I say. And yeah, I think what's beautiful about it is like. I can change out my dicks like you change out your mood rings, it's just like, what am I feeling like today? And honestly, my favorite one is like this itty bitty tiny dick, and it's probably I want to say like four inches, five inches. And it's super soft and probably just like as thick as two fingers. But you can make someone do so many things to something so small and it's like extra humiliating or hilarious because they're just like, “what? you're coming in with that?” and I'm like, “Yeah,” and you're just like, extra confident with it. And they're like, mind blown. So it's not about the size, it's about what you can do with it.
Cristen: So tell us a little bit more about what is pleasurable for you about strap ons.
Mae: It's definitely the power aspect for me. It feels like I'm the one that's in control. I'm the one that has the power, and it gives me like this brain orgasm where it's like feeding into this part of me where I'm like, This world is mine. And like, I can hold on to a person and literally just like use them or curated experience where it's like super passionate because like I have more control of like what's going on using this extra part of my body. It's kind of like it makes me feel like an octopus having multiple hands or multiple tentacles where you can wrap around somebody and use in that manner.
Caroline: Since you began using strap ons, how has it made you feel or how has it influenced your feelings about your own gender and sexuality?
Mae: It's made me more comfortable with my sexuality and my gender because I always felt like I was missing something, I thought, Hmm, maybe I'm not in the correct body anatomically for me. And now that I am able to have this part of me when I want to, when I'm in the mood for it, it feels good. It feels like I'm whole again. It got rid of the self-doubt of like being comfortable in my own skin and appreciating what I have and the opportunities of which I can explore that with other people and that part of me when I want to. Yeah, it just made me love myself more. And it's not necessarily like. I was so unhappy that I wanted to change, it was just like I wanted change or I wanted something different for different parts of time. And it was a perfect fit.
Cristen: We’re going to take a quick break.
Caroline: When we come back, we meet Henri-June Pilote for some genderqueer sex ed on strap-ons.
[stinger]
Cristen: We’re back with Henri-June Pilote. He’s a French-Canadian queer sex educator and something of a strap on expert
Henri-June: For me, what really turns me on about a strap on is like the feeling my sexual partner or partners get, but also like there's somethin g really fun about like the movement, the friction on your clitoris, like, I think that's the fun part, there's also like a couple of dildos that will also have texture to like, stimulate the clitoris or like vibrators.
Caroline: We were especially curious to get Henri-June’s perspective on the whole pegging vs strapping language thing. Because fun fact – the term “pegging” wasn’t coined until 2001 by sex columnist Dan Savage.
Cristen: Yeah, he polled his readers for a new word to describe “when a woman fucks a man in the ass with a strap-on dildo,” and pegging won.
Henri-June: Pegging is a fetish where a straight man wants to be pegged by a woman, like, that's basically just it. Where like if two women quote unquote have sex with a strap on, it's not pegging because like there's not a straight man and a straight woman like involved. So, yeah, strap on is like the tool. But pegging is like, that's really specific sexual practice of like having a straight woman pegging a straight man.
Caroline: So why isn't it just called anal sex?
Henri-June: I feel like there's such a shame around, like straight men having fun with their prostate and like anally that like there was the need for like a new word, you know, to approach it. And because like, there's such that link between anal sex and gayness, you know, I feel that creating a new word that's really specific and like a straight men can like Google it and they won't stumble upon like really intense gay shit. You know?
Cristen: Henri has also noticed how the queer community’s relationship with strap-ons can get complicated, too.
Henri-June: I'm a trans man, so I came out as a lesbian first in 2014 and in the lesbian like circles like talking about strap ons was really interesting. It was also weird because like we had that conversation about, “Oh, do you miss like a penis in your relationship” and that kind of thing. It was like a really double ended conversation where it was empowering, but it was also like made us question our desires and things.. ..and then when I came out as trans, like, it's really changed because like in the trans community, strap ons are way more seen as like a prosthetic or things to help you with your gender dysphoria. So the conversation really shifted. It was just different. And I'm really happy that I was able to like be in those two conversations and see how they interact with each other.
Caroline: Yeah, tell us a little bit more about how the meaning of a strap on can shift along with gender identity, so the ways that it can be both gender affirming and also potentially cause gender dysphoria?
Henri-June: Basically, trans people, trans men tend to see strapping as like a prosthetic. So we call them prosthetic. There is a bunch of companies that offer ultra realistic prosthetic for sex play, but there's also like those prosthetic for peeing and like there's all those like usage for them. So a thing that feels good for people like trans masculine people who have genitalia dysphoria so they don't feel good with their genitalia is being able to have a distance when you have sex. So using a strap on their prosthetic or something that like makes a distance between you and your genitalia can feel really good because like you're able to focus on your pleasure without to like without focusing too much on your dysphoria. But also, it's a thin line because like you can also fall into Oh, like, I'll never be a real man, you know, in that kind of thing where, like, I don't have a penis, I don't. So it's it's a thin line because it's between being able to like, shift your brain focusing on like your pleasure, like in other places in your body without like falling into hate for your body. And it's very different for for each person, like a lot of trans men like their vulvas, you know, and it's just when you have gender dysphoria with your genitalia, it can be an empowering experience to like play with the distance and like having a strap on and penetrating partners.
Cristen: Ok, so you mentioned earlier that in the lesbian circles you were in, strap-ons were a little more contentious — kind of like the question of “are we missing something” … so how do those different kind of approaches and conversations around strap-ons compare?
Henri-June: I think it's really complicated in the way of like, there is a lot of trans men who have been lesbian and have been in those circles and always felt awkward about those discourse. There's also really something empowering where we can criticize like patriarchy and all those things. So it’s. But there's also something weird about associating penises to patriarchy. So it's like a bunch of conversations that are super complicated within the LGBT community where, like for some people like penises are really traumatizing and like are linked to sexual violence and everything. And that's really complicated because like the that trauma from that person is valid, but let's not project all our trauma onto like a genitalia, because at the end of the day, it's just genitalias. Like, it's not because someone has a penis either a trans woman or like a cis man, that that this person is going to recreate that violence, you know? It’s really touchy because it also excludes trans women from like the discourse. There's still that's gold-star lesbian approach, like, “oh, I never touched a penis, so I'm like an actual lesbian” and all those things, you know? And for me, those conversations are transphobic and are like backwards. But also, I can recognize that they come from a place of hurt, you know, and they come from a place of anger and like fear in some ways. And for me, being surrounded by bisexuals has been like a good thing because there's an understanding that genitalias are for fun and they're all gorgeous because all genitalias are different. And we could have a whole podcast just about this. Complicated! Yeah.
Caroline: For people who might be feeling shy about trying a strap-on, do you have any advice?
Henri-June: I feel like there's something really awkward about strap ons. When you first try it, it's never smooth. What I usually say to people is like, wear it alone first, you know, or even like, masturbate with it and see like how it feels because there's nothing that kills the mood like putting on a strap on and not knowing how it works. And like, you feel really awkward and you feel shy and everything. So what I say is usually like, try it on alone. Like, see how it feels, like see how do you put it, like feel comfortable with your new tool instead of seeing it as something like that scary thing, you know? I feel like if we go into the strap on play with a playful mind like it can get really fun - but when we go through it with a perfectionist mind, like it never works. And by that, I mean, like, it's going to be awkward. It's going to be funny. It's going to be like, maybe messy, you know, but it's like. We put all the pressure in our stuff like it needs to be the perfect thing and needs to be like, you know, like just when you approach sex as a whole, it's way better when you are playful with it than when you are, like trying to be perfect.
Cristen: Yeah, I feel like nothing saps a mood like like really just goal oriented
Henri-June: Exactly.
Cristen: Super performative sex.
Henri-June: Exactly. And sadly, that's what happens usually when you try a new thing sexually. That's why I think we need to have like open conversations with our sexual partners to be like, it doesn't matter if it fails, like it's all good.
Caroline: We’re gonna take a quick break.
Cristen: When we come back, we meet Demetria Blooms who found sexual healing through strapping.
Caroline: Stick around
[stinger]
Demetria: I think the fun thing about being someone that uses a strap on dildo is the like, it just really opens you up to so many different possibilities. It's a buffet of things out there that you can do.
Caroline: The buffet. I just, and I love - you know, you can pick one that fits the mood. That fits the weather.
Demetria: Yeah. Like match the outfit, colorful. The nails, there is so much fun that you can do.
Caroline: We’re back with Demetria Blooms. After reading her essay on Autostraddle called “Strapping As a Fat Femme Was My Black Queer Sexual Liberation”, we knew we had to get in touch.
Demetria [00:02:22] I remember growing up, people would tell me all this time I had a pretty face, emphasis on the face and never like the body and people just constantly making comments about my body. Demetria [00:02:22] If there was like a movie and there was a main character, I definitely would be like the supporting character. But like the comedy release, like, literally the fat comedy release.
Cristen: Well, was there was there a particular point where you kind of became cognizant of that connection between those messages you internalized as a kid about your body and your sexuality as an adult?
Demetria: So I always say that Tumblr changed my life because it was on Tumblr that I started seeing people that look like me like a appear as sexy, dress sexy or share about their sexual lives and on Tumblr, they're talking about how, you know, I was socialized not to feel this way, but I reject that. And so I say I was on Tumblr when I was like 18 19 because I didn’t have nothing to do out of high school. And so I was just like spending hours on that and being like, Hey yeah, you know, I feel the same way I deserve. And seeing that representation of people that look like me really helped me to kind of start shedding that belief that I didn’t deserve all of the things
Caroline: Well, what did porn teach you about fatness and sex and your own sexuality?
Demetria: When I was in my early 20s, the porn that I was watching was. Was not of fat bodies. And then when I did stumble out over someone that had a fat body it always like was a fetish type of thing. And it always was about the other person's experience of that body versus like the person in that body having also a good experience. And so with watching porn, I was like trying to mimic when I had sex with partners like, I'm supposed to make them feel good, be whatever they want me to be. It wasn't centered around like my pleasure or like, I was like, If it doesn't feel good, I have to take it. If I'm not like, if I'm not getting them hard, then that's on me and I should try harder. So porn taught me to play a role that really did not support this positive, sex positive space that I later grew into.
Cristen: So let's get into strapping, then. So when when did you first hear about it and what were your first impressions?
Demetria: So I truly believe the first time I heard about strapping had to be watching The L Word.And then like, of course, going back to porn and then even like lesbian porn again, if you don't know how to search the right keywords, then it just is very for the male gaze. And so when I first learned about strapping it again, it was like, “Oh, this would be hot for my man if I did this with a woman” versus something that was like liberating, like, “Oh no, we can do this without a man,” no it was was like, “Oh, I should put on this show.”
Cristen: The first time Demetria experienced strapping, she was on the receiving end and was ready to play her part.
Demetria: So I was like, Yeah, I have to. It's going to be easy. I'm going to be making all this noise. So I feel like it was like a audition, and I was like rehearsing like the noises that I was going to make because it had to be like these beautiful sex scenes off of porn, with the you know, just everything. It was like music playing everything. So I was like, This is what is going to be like. And then when we got to it, I was excited. But then like, um, you know, lube is very important. ..Um it's just she just put a drop in it. And I was just like, This is not going to fit me, sweetie.
Caroline: Oh.
Demetria: That already kind of took me out of this like. I feel like I won’t say, of course, because I don't want to assume everybody, but everyone thinks that their first time, any first time, is supposed to be this magical experience. And it just took me out of the romanticizing what this was supposed to be because I was like, it is not fitting. And so she got another one, and I I guess she thought it went in.. And so I went along and just pretend. But afterwards, I want to say silly me was afterwards. I was like, Yay, I did it. I still was happy about it because
Cristen: Sure!
Demetria: I had like I, I played the role, you know, I won the part.
Caroline: When Demetria decided she wanted to wear the strap-on, she was nervous … but ready to take the reins
Demetria: I was really excited to be able to, like, have more of a hand in that pleasure like physically like, you know, being in control of how the speed the width, like ..and the person I want to say that I did not tell them that that was my first time because I didn't want it to be a thing. And I wanted to pretend like I was a master. So it was fulfilling in that way that I was able to put in this role and deliver pleasure to this person. I want to say without them knowing it was my first time doing so. I don't know if I get a pass for that or like a star for it, but to me I was like, yay.
Cristen: For a while, Demetria just borrowed sex partners’ straps. Eventually, though, she wanted gear of her own. So, Demetria headed to the sex shop.
Demetria: And the person who helped me was like, Hey, you know, this is this is which is amazing. I was calling it like the sisterhood of the traveling strap-on, traveling harness, because she was like, Yes, this can fit multiple bodies. And I was like, Oh, I literally my eyes got big and I was like, Whoa, like I was like, Oh, so amazed, all because Velcro. So whoever made Velcro, thank you so much for your service
Caroline: Shout out to Velcro.
Cristen: So what did you love about that harness?
Demetria: So what is amazing about this harness is that it’s size adjustable, which is amazing, but also like it's soft and you could just wash it after you're done and put it in the dryer and it's ready to go. So I want to say it's clean. It’s soft. It has space where you could put like a very small bullet in it, so it makes the dildo vibrate. And so it's just amazing in that way, and I've had the first one I bought for seven years, but my dog is disgusting, and he chewed it up after… he chewed it up cause it was in the - my dog likes dirty clothes. I'll just leave it at that.
Caroline: This is a very basic question, but I am so curious, what do you like about strapping? What is the best part? How does it make you feel?
Demetria: So I talk about like strapping as like something spiritual. And I was like the word spiritual people probably think while I’m strapping I can hear angels. By spiritual I like, I mean, like it is. It pushes me somewhere else on my journey of selfhood that might not have occurred if I did not have this experience. And so for me, when I'm strapping because again, my socialization of feeling like I was invisible and a supporting character, when I strap, I feel like I'm important without it being like aggressive or like, “Oh, I'm important.” But like,I just feel empowered. Because it allows me to get out of a role. Of course, I'm still serving someone, but this, like, I'm this is this thing called like pillow princessing, I don't know if y’all are familiar with that term, but basically a pillow princess is someone that just sits there and lets someone do anything that they want to them. And I was so used to being a version of a pillow princess, and then now that I'm strapping, it's like, no, like, it's not what anyone else wants to do is like, what my pleasure is someone else's pleasure, and we collab. And for me, it just makes me feel important.
Caroline: Well, tell us a little bit more about how strapping has been healing for you.
Demetria: So for me, it's been healing because it's allowed me to see myself in a way experiencing pleasure in a way that I did not think was an option for myself. And I won’t say like, every every day, I'm not showing up being like a boss in sex. Every day is not a day where I'm advocating for myself, but I do at least challenge myself every year. And so that's how it's been helping me, because strapping is making me feel more like, OK, you know, you could show up and deliver pleasure in this way without it being attached to like someone thinking that's attached to my self-worth. Like it is helping me realize I can show up and be this person for myself because I like this without it being like. “But does so and so like this?” I like it, so I should be able to do that.
Cristen: Yeah, it sounds like it's. What I what I've been hearing is a lot of embodying like roles that maybe didn't even seem possible,
Demetria: Yeah
Cristen: like just being able to kind of break out of that very narrow box that our sexuality is often kind of forced into.
Demetria: Yeah, absolutely.
Caroline: Well, do you have any advice for first timers?
Demetria: If you already have someone in mind, I would say ask them what would feel good to them. Ask them what they like so that you're not going into it just like, “I'm going to do this, I'm going to do that, and they're going to like this” because they might be like me and lie the whole time and act like it. So check in and be like,” is it in? Can you feel it?” Just check in. That is the advice. Check in.
Caroline: Which is great sex advice across the board.
Demetria: Yeah
[CREDITS]
Cristen: To learn more about our fabulous trio of guests, you can find them - where else but online. Mae Ling is over at missmaeling.com. Henri-June Pilote is on Instagram @june.pilote and Demetria Blooms is on Insta @demetriablooms or over on her website demetriablooms.com
Caroline: Y’all can find us at Instagram, Facebook and Twitter @unladylikemedia. You can also drop us a line at hello@unladylike.co. And there’s more: you can support Cristen & me directly by joining our Patreon; over there, you’ll get instant access to nearly 100 existing bonus episodes, and a new bonus every week, including our recent get-to-know-you convo on SCOTUS nominee Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson! You can find it all over at patreon.com/unladylikemedia.
Cristen: Nora Ritchie is the senior producer of Unladylike. Michele O’Brien is our associate producer. Gianna Palmer is our story editor. Shruti Marathe transcribes our tape. Our music is by Flamingo Shadow, Amit May Cohen and Sarah Tudzin. Mixing is by Jared O’Connell. Sound design and additional music is by Casey Holford and Andi Kristins. Executive producers are Peter Clowney, Daisy Rosario and Unladylike Media. This podcast was created by your hosts, Cristen Conger
Caroline: And Caroline Ervin of Unladylike Media.
Cristen: Next week…
[Pep Talks stinger]
Cristen: We’ve got more pep talks for you! Over the next two weeks we’ve got 6 pep talks coming your way - – featuring some of our favorite folks - we’re talkin’ Elaine Welteroth, Jessamyn Stanley, Doree Shafrir and more. They’ll be giving pep talks about swimsuit season, IVF, loneliness, dealing with creepy dudes online and more!
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